And then the inevitable follow-up
Why wouldn’t it be ok?
And the answer wasn’t
because I’ll be kicked out of the tribe
Or I’ll die
Rather, what emerged was even scarier
It just feels too hard
​and like I have to overcome too many barriers
To be fully authentic
So now the question has become
Am I willing to be present with
And meet with Love
Any of the possible reactions
Internal and external
To living life
Fully surrendered
Fully devoted to the larger mystery
Of what wants to be birthed through me? 

This morning, this was my practice.  Arriving at the beach cranky and exhausted I didn’t think I had any interest or energy for dropping in erotically.
I went to a rock outcropping where I go when the beaches are full with people.  I crawled across the tactile seaweed that was exposed due to low tide.  As I immersed my body, the water felt colder than I anticipated.  Upon going under completely the nerves in my skin awakened intensely – somewhere between pleasure and pain.  Moans and yelps simply began escaping my lips – I was isolated with no one to see or hear me.  Waves began coming in and crashing me gently against the rocks, with seaweed and bubbles tickling me.  After a few minutes of this I decided to just let sounds really emerge, joining my already deep breath that was keeping me present with the heightened sensations.  Then my spine began undulating with the movement of the water. 
Breath, sound and movement – the 3 elements most important in somatic, and particularly erotic explorations.  These three things can evoke pleasure even in moments when you feel life a bit lackluster.  I cautiously crawled back up onto a hot rock and laid in the hot sun savoring the peaceful satisfaction I felt in my body, noticing the cold and warm mingle. 
All you need for an erotic somatic practice is curiosity, willingness to meet your edges of discomfort, an awareness of what brings you authentic pleasure (this is actually not a precursor but more a part of the whole experience…giving yourself permission and patience in discovering the difference between contrived and authentic pleasure) and an eagerness to savor the feelings evoked in your practice. 
You can do this with your favorite music playing, while hanging in a tree, or in your cozy bed.  The intention is to become attuned to the subtle cues notifying you that you're feeling authentic pleasure and deeply honoring and nurturing that.  In the greater scheme of things, it may be one of the most potent things you can do to serve the world…light your heart and body ablaze with Eros and enthusiasm to lean into what fosters aliveness, joy, generosity, peace and love.      
 

​I struggled with yeast infections from the time I was 7 years old.  I remember when my mom put that cold cream on my vulva.  It always made me feel like I had to pee but I wasn’t supposed to because then I’d wipe the cream off.  When I became sexually active as a teenager, they got much worse and appeared more frequently.  Into my 20’s I tried everything under the sun – changing my diet, wearing white cotton underwear, changing to a milder soap, putting garlic cloves or yogurt or probiotic capsules in my vagina, washing my underwear by hand, taking oral probiotics, using condoms during sex…or not.  The exasperation was overwhelming.  The red itchy sensations and sticky white discharge were mild compared to my agitation and questioning if I’d ever be able to have sex without worrying I’d get an infection within a few days and then have to abstain for weeks from this particular kind of pleasure.  I had a sense that the root was energetic.  So, I began seeing energy workers and doing ovarian breathwork to move whatever was stuck…still hung up on needing to fix this awful problem.  Once a holistic gynecologist did a test and told me I had no energy flowing to my gentials!  WTF…I am a very erotic being!  What is blocking me from sexual freedom and a free flow of erotic energy through my whole body?  So I tried a Chinese Medicine herbal wash and pelvic steaming, which helped me manage the symptoms but did not prevent infections…so I made peace with the belief that I’d live the rest of my life with this issue.
Finally, from a place of surrender I’ve never felt before, something slackened.  A shift in will occurred that seemed subtle in the moment but whose reverberating results I couldn’t possibly have prepared for.  I stopped making decisions based on traditional or common knowledge and am open on a cellular level to receive guidance.  Even though I’d been talking about listening to the body and what it authentically desires and noticing the results of decisions you make around diet, exercise, etc, it had remained primarily in the realm of theory until I actually let go.  I began communicating with guidance – angels, archangels, microbes, masters, ascendant masters, cellular fairies, goddesses… offering gratitude and humbly asking for clarity and discernment.  Until then I still wanted to hold onto control.  I didn’t want my life to be too messy or complicated, which was a hilarious contradiction to choosing a Tantric path! Once I began to attune to the subtler cues of what my whole being is actually resonating with right now – food, movement, people, places, etc. – I could feel a difference in the tone of everything.  Certain things resonate with the tone of what I need at this moment and others don’t.  Some things that resonate right now will not in 2 hours or maybe ever again…it is indeed a surrender to be with what is exactly as it is right now.   
And, this is erotic self love...an approach to life where I listen to the erotic energy in my system (now including an innumerable amount of etheric beings combined with a kinesthetic sense of tones) and how it responds to the myriad of possibilities of how to explore this experience of being human.  The more I cultivate the willingness to meet what is right now, the more love and life force energy flow...including my field in the pathways receptive to dance with divine currents.

Listening to the cues right now, I am choosing to devote February to cultivating a completely new relationship with my yonih through touch, adoration and attentiveness.      

Contact Improvisation Dance has again and again offered me an experiential cauldron to embody new pathways.  As movement patterns are a reflection of neural pathways, moving in unique, spontaneous and even chaotic forms shifts habitual ways of being in daily life. Some of the most fundamental understandings of how to dance intimately with life in a state of open-hearted surrender have been transmitted through CI and include:
I can lead and I can follow.  And, there’s a third option – the juiciest dances emerge…formless and form seamlessly flowing from cellular consciousness.
I have a right to have intimate connection with everyone, not exclusively with romantic partners.  This was radical for me early on but I leaned in because something deep in me recognized how intimacy with divine love demonstrates no boundaries of presence and love.
Repeatedly returning to presence in the body offers spaciousness and ease in the mind.
Attention to the minutia – slowing down and practicing small, simple movements with full bodied presence opens an entire realm of possibilities when you release practice and allow free form.  This is what we refer to in Tantra as Tapas and Spanda…you devote yourself to a specific practice or “restriction” for a certain period of time and by keeping out what you don’t want and focusing on something very specific, a spark within can occur that liberates energy.
Grazing and lingering – sometimes short interactions offer exactly what you need to create new possibilities and sometimes lingering in a dance provides a platform for curiosity to have full reign.  This reflects what I’ve realized in all kinds of relationships.  Sometimes a short engagement is enough to reframe a paradigm and sometimes we need to stay with a person for an extended period because the dynamic offers a prolonged experiment and growth for both.
Be with what is – CI is one of the only communities I’ve found where showing up authentically is held differently than normal social interactions.  If you need to lie on the side and snuggle or simply witness or you feel a primal need to rough house or a tenderness that seeks the slowest touch possible – you can explore whatever is arising because the entire practice is in meeting your partner where they are at this exact moment.
Adaptability and resilience – spontaneity can feel overwhelming in daily life, especially if you grew up like I did where productivity and planning are paramount.  CI offers a way to embody surrender in a safe space.  Surrender in this sense is truly being with what is as it is and having the body-mind capacity to meet that rather than resist it.