Now my exploration is experiencing, without retracting, the energy behind being needy. All humans have necessities and desires. Relationships, in all their many forms, are a platform for this negotiation. I am hopeful that once I become fully conscious of my beliefs and tendencies around this relationship dynamic I will be able to simply get to know people for who they are and enjoy their simple presence.
The day of the meditation when a light was shined on my truth, it came with a lot of judgement. I have often felt guilty because I would like to be more generous but have never felt I could. I realized that the root of this came from feeling like a burden at a young age and thus through unconditional love providing everything I could, even beyond my capacity. This cultivated 2 paradigms: if I love you unconditionally or at all, I have to give without any limits & if you love me unconditionally, an expectation will always be in the background that I have to provide something in return and perhaps things I don’t want to. I have become very conscious that when someone asks me for something directly or I simply sense they need/desire something, I freeze and contract, especially in my heart and root chakras. I also feel the energetics of leaning in with a vulture-like agenda when I want something from someone else and how the same walls go up immediately if that need is denied.
Can meeting needs be smoother and create more intimacy rather than distancing 2 people? I have set the intention to be really conscious of this interaction and take notes every day for a month.
Leading up to this intention several situations set off my awareness of this obstruction to more intimate relationships. The first was noticing how males (not all but I have felt it commonly and especially in the Latino culture) look at me and feeling their desire to capture my feminine vibrance. When I sense this energetically I immediately put a wall between me and that person. In another moment I noticed when speaking to a woman and realizing she had something I wanted, I became more open, more willing to chat and kinder. This was so fascinating to watch within myself and as this leaning in grew stronger, I felt her begin to pull away. And the third event was when I expressed my need for something to a co-worker and made a request from him and he flatly said no. I felt how my heart instantly had the impulse to close and write him off completely.
I notice the repetition of these 3 patterns daily. So this experiment is a choice to delve deeper into how to navigate these waters of boundaries and needs. To discover how I can respond to others needs with openness and compassion while nourishing and expressing my own needs and boundaries. There will be 3 main challenges in this exploration: not to run away but to just be present with whatever comes up; remembering that I am fully capable of giving generously without draining my energies; and not taking others responses or actions personally.
Please feel free to write here or to me privately about your experiences with this to support both of our processes ;)