​The desire to lose control…
Why do we take pills, liquids and substances that are commonly known to make us “lose our senses”? People secretly desire to lose control all the while their body is measuring every movement, their brain, every word. There is an innate yearning to access the web of connection where our dreams and magic can be unlocked. The part that has no clue what he/she might do, say, be in the very next moment.
Invoking this state through substances makes us believe that we control when and how much we lose control so as to dull the terror. I’ll do it when neither my mom, boss nor partner can see me. I’ll do it in secret so I can feel the high of riding into the unknown without the perceived consequences – after all “mental health” is founded on a stable personality over time.
Today I dressed like this and went to the DMV (and got the photo taken for the license I’ll have for the next 5 years), Home Depot, Rite Aid and EMS. I’ve been thwarting my deepest desire to know FREEDOM my whole life because there is a cost for that freedom. If I dissolve all of the patterns of who I am and allow my personality, purpose, words and actions to be exclusively driven by my YES right now with no thought of the consequences, the judgements and the envy, what do I have to sacrifice?
Approval. Control. Safety. Comfort. Plans. Attachments.
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And what do I gain?
Trust. Knowing. Freedom. Euphoria.

Can I THEN give myself full permission to just absolutely adore MY LIFE? To ask “what might happen next?” with wonder rather than terror. To dress, talk, be differently today than yesterday and just fall head over heels in love with who I am now.

​Recently I have been feeling a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow in the second Pirates of the Caribbean… my compass isn’t giving me a clear heading and so I move my finger around and say ok I’m going to go generally in that direction.  This morning I decided to go kayaking on a beautiful and calm lake.  The kayak I was using was incredibly difficult to keep moving in a straight line so I couldn’t settle into a rhythm and frequently had to put my paddle backwards in the water so the kayak didn’t do a 180 every 3-4 strokes.  I got extremely flustered and decided to stop before that turned into anger.  Laughter bubbled up as I realized how metaphorical the situation was for my life.  Our society is so goal and efficiency oriented that unless we are moving quickly toward what we want, even when it is a wetland on a leisurely morning of kayaking, we get frustrated.   
This led me to pondering my life’s purpose and what vehicles (tools) I need to get there efficiently… then magically the question was reframed – what is my heading.  This entirely shifted the focus and rather than forcing a defined concept of how to make a living and productively add to the world, it became a playful envisioning of where I want to concentrate my energies (physical, mental, spiritual, etc).   About that same time I came to shallow channels that coddled the kayak on all sides with lily pads and the wavering diminished.  This reminded me of the tantric map laid out in a book I had read the day before that describes how to balance the 3 energies we all embody so that the 4th may emerge.  “If you: 1) apply Tapas to create a container (the Yin Masculine/Testicular); 2) nourish and care for yourself so that you are full and ready to overflow (the Yin Feminine/Nourishing Womb); 3) maintain your sense of curiosity and adventure (the Yang Masculine/ Phallic); She, the one who is left (the Yang Feminine/Birthing Energy [shakti/spanda]) will show up!” (Kali Rising, Rudolph Ballentine)  So I began wondering how to ‘accurately’ determine what kind of tapas will get me where I want to go…hahahaha yup did the straight line thinking again.  But then my creative juices began to churn out tapas that would also serve as nourishing and adventurous pieces to my life and harmonize the perfect environment for spanda (creative Universal energy) to arise.  
My final lesson for the day came when I ventured further into the narrowing channels full of vegetation and flowers.  I love having flowers around and often pick some to place on the counter.  I first saw some unique round flowers that I approached.  I saw big bumble bees flying on and around them so I tried to find some that didn’t have any and when that didn’t work I began lightly hitting the plant with my paddle so the bees would fly away and I could pick some.  One fell into the water…well I felt awful and began trying with my paddle and then leaves to get it out.  Eventually it made its way out alone and I said ok thank you for showing me how important these flowers are, I won’t take any away from you all.  As I continued, I saw some gorgeous purple flowers (my favorite color) and again thought – I wonder if I can get close enough to pick some.  I tried and the vegetation was preventing me from getting close enough.  As I turned to see if I could find some that were more accessible, I saw a butterfly perched upon one of these purple flowers.  I laughed out loud and told nature I got the message…Don’t keep all the beauty to yourself!  I understood this to be gently nudging me to explore all of my passions and interests, immerse myself completely in the pleasure of it, BUT share it all with the world.  Perhaps this is where the “career” aspect of it comes in and maybe not but I have defined what tapas I will follow for a while and see where it leads me.
Tapas is sometimes explained as discipline but I think of it as holding space, which gives it the unique characteristic of easily adapting as conditions shift.  The tapas I choose are to study wholeness – especially how play and body awareness help integrate and cultivate true power – for 1 uninterrupted hour a day; be in nature for hours a day; write down daily one playful activity, how it made me feel and bodily sensations I experienced while doing any activity; do some kind of service daily (be it cleaning the floor of the house I am living in to listening to someone who really needs to be heard).

Write me with questions, comments or your own tapas!

​How much of my feeling of contentment comes from getting what I want and having my needs fulfilled and how much of it comes from surrendering and accepting what is offered to me?
As I have been exploring the question – what happens when 2 people have different needs that are mutually exclusive? – sparks of this concept keep revealing themselves.  I have been using my own relationships to better understand how disparate needs can be reconciled and have recognized 3 noteworthy elements involved in this dynamic between 2 people.  First, don’t take it personally.  If you have ever read Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, you will be familiar with this concept of simply accepting that everyone is living in their own bubble and what anyone else says, does, reacts to, responds, is not a personal attack against you even if they are telling you off or spreading rumors about you.  Truly, it is more a reflection of what is going on inside of that person than of you.  Second, communicate as honestly and as often as possible.  This perhaps begins to sound redundant in relationship advice but any time I am upset with another person and get the courage enough to tell them honestly how I feel from my point of view without an energy of superiority propelling it, the relief inside me and the energy field shift between us is palpable.  Additionally, this most often, facilitates the blossoming of compassion.  I have discovered recently that the simple act of listening mindfully to the lens from which the other is acting opens up a whole new willingness to loosen the attachment to my own demands.  Third, negotiate a strategy that takes all needs into consideration.  Yes, this may mean compromising my own needs to those of the other person…but that is where the next piece of surrender comes in.
In recent explorations I have been practicing stating my boundaries and needs to others.  This has been extremely powerful for me because previously if I didn’t like what another was doing my first knee-jerk reaction was to distance myself, often both physically (running away) and emotionally (closing off my heart center).  This alternative taught me to vocalize what I don’t like and request what I would like.  This opened up a whole new world of expression and self-knowledge (I have to know what I want before I can express it to others!).  Then, the other day I was explaining this process to a friend and her reaction was ‘if someone is offering you something that is their nature of expression, by indicating what and how you would like to receive you are denying yourself the experience of their unique form of giving.  Wow, ok, new lens! Once again this precarious equilibrium between requesting needs be met and surrendering to the experience in front of me…and I believe both are valid and required to get to know ourselves.  It is possible and even beautiful to inhabit the in between…in the maybe.
Philip Shepherd and Joseph Campbell speak of surrender or submission to wholeness that already exists in and around you.  If I am constantly directing my life in the direction I want, it is like digging a channel in a straight line instead of allowing the natural curvature of the landscape to guide me.  The Incas constructed using organic architecture, allowing the landscape to guide the form of their buildings and then enhancing it with their knowledge and skill. This is as opposed to how many western cultures construct…bulldozing everything until it is flat and then starting from 0 and shaping primarily in squared off design templates.  This attempt to control everything impedes the essential harmony that is ceaselessly lying in wait beneath the surface. 
So being WHOLE, dwelling in the juuuuust right space of feeling eternally at home, is allowing the natural process of expansion and contraction to happen…becoming familiar with your peculiar set of needs, likes, passions, etc and then releasing them to whatever is, whatever develops.  By creating a copious vision of life as an inclusive rather than exclusive experience you become present to what is and only there can you stop directing, dictating, plotting what to get and how to get it and simply be who you truly are. 
If you’re interested in cultivating an eternal feeling of Home, please join me for a 9 week group course that will meander through koshas, habits, societal conditioning, connection with nature & fellow human beings and body-mind-spirit awareness.  This online course begins on July 3rd.  For more information or to register please visit www.surrenderinmotion.com or write me Jodi@surrenderinmotion.com.