As I have been exploring the question – what happens when 2 people have different needs that are mutually exclusive? – sparks of this concept keep revealing themselves. I have been using my own relationships to better understand how disparate needs can be reconciled and have recognized 3 noteworthy elements involved in this dynamic between 2 people. First, don’t take it personally. If you have ever read Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, you will be familiar with this concept of simply accepting that everyone is living in their own bubble and what anyone else says, does, reacts to, responds, is not a personal attack against you even if they are telling you off or spreading rumors about you. Truly, it is more a reflection of what is going on inside of that person than of you. Second, communicate as honestly and as often as possible. This perhaps begins to sound redundant in relationship advice but any time I am upset with another person and get the courage enough to tell them honestly how I feel from my point of view without an energy of superiority propelling it, the relief inside me and the energy field shift between us is palpable. Additionally, this most often, facilitates the blossoming of compassion. I have discovered recently that the simple act of listening mindfully to the lens from which the other is acting opens up a whole new willingness to loosen the attachment to my own demands. Third, negotiate a strategy that takes all needs into consideration. Yes, this may mean compromising my own needs to those of the other person…but that is where the next piece of surrender comes in.
In recent explorations I have been practicing stating my boundaries and needs to others. This has been extremely powerful for me because previously if I didn’t like what another was doing my first knee-jerk reaction was to distance myself, often both physically (running away) and emotionally (closing off my heart center). This alternative taught me to vocalize what I don’t like and request what I would like. This opened up a whole new world of expression and self-knowledge (I have to know what I want before I can express it to others!). Then, the other day I was explaining this process to a friend and her reaction was ‘if someone is offering you something that is their nature of expression, by indicating what and how you would like to receive you are denying yourself the experience of their unique form of giving. Wow, ok, new lens! Once again this precarious equilibrium between requesting needs be met and surrendering to the experience in front of me…and I believe both are valid and required to get to know ourselves. It is possible and even beautiful to inhabit the in between…in the maybe.
Philip Shepherd and Joseph Campbell speak of surrender or submission to wholeness that already exists in and around you. If I am constantly directing my life in the direction I want, it is like digging a channel in a straight line instead of allowing the natural curvature of the landscape to guide me. The Incas constructed using organic architecture, allowing the landscape to guide the form of their buildings and then enhancing it with their knowledge and skill. This is as opposed to how many western cultures construct…bulldozing everything until it is flat and then starting from 0 and shaping primarily in squared off design templates. This attempt to control everything impedes the essential harmony that is ceaselessly lying in wait beneath the surface.
So being WHOLE, dwelling in the juuuuust right space of feeling eternally at home, is allowing the natural process of expansion and contraction to happen…becoming familiar with your peculiar set of needs, likes, passions, etc and then releasing them to whatever is, whatever develops. By creating a copious vision of life as an inclusive rather than exclusive experience you become present to what is and only there can you stop directing, dictating, plotting what to get and how to get it and simply be who you truly are.
If you’re interested in cultivating an eternal feeling of Home, please join me for a 9 week group course that will meander through koshas, habits, societal conditioning, connection with nature & fellow human beings and body-mind-spirit awareness. This online course begins on July 3rd. For more information or to register please visit www.surrenderinmotion.com or write me Jodi@surrenderinmotion.com.