The desire to lose control…
Why do we take pills, liquids and substances that are commonly known to make us “lose our senses”? People secretly desire to lose control all the while their body is measuring every movement, their brain, every word. There is an innate yearning to access the web of connection where our dreams and magic can be unlocked. The part that has no clue what he/she might do, say, be in the very next moment.
Invoking this state through substances makes us believe that we control when and how much we lose control so as to dull the terror. I’ll do it when neither my mom, boss nor partner can see me. I’ll do it in secret so I can feel the high of riding into the unknown without the perceived consequences – after all “mental health” is founded on a stable personality over time.
Today I dressed like this and went to the DMV (and got the photo taken for the license I’ll have for the next 5 years), Home Depot, Rite Aid and EMS. I’ve been thwarting my deepest desire to know FREEDOM my whole life because there is a cost for that freedom. If I dissolve all of the patterns of who I am and allow my personality, purpose, words and actions to be exclusively driven by my YES right now with no thought of the consequences, the judgements and the envy, what do I have to sacrifice?
Approval. Control. Safety. Comfort. Plans. Attachments.
And what do I gain?
Trust. Knowing. Freedom. Euphoria.
Can I THEN give myself full permission to just absolutely adore MY LIFE? To ask “what might happen next?” with wonder rather than terror. To dress, talk, be differently today than yesterday and just fall head over heels in love with who I am now.