M.C. Escher I became conscious of this projection in a meditation and it set off a whole barrage of understandings. I realized that this simple belief system has molded all of my relationships and how I relate to everyone in my life became painfully clear.
Now my exploration is experiencing, without retracting, the energy behind being needy. All humans have necessities and desires. Relationships, in all their many forms, are a platform for this negotiation. I am hopeful that once I become fully conscious of my beliefs and tendencies around this relationship dynamic I will be able to simply get to know people for who they are and enjoy their simple presence.
The day of the meditation when a light was shined on my truth, it came with a lot of judgement. I have often felt guilty because I would like to be more generous but have never felt I could. I realized that the root of this came from feeling like a burden at a young age and thus through unconditional love providing everything I could, even beyond my capacity. This cultivated 2 paradigms: if I love you unconditionally or at all, I have to give without any limits & if you love me unconditionally, an expectation will always be in the background that I have to provide something in return and perhaps things I don’t want to. I have become very conscious that when someone asks me for something directly or I simply sense they need/desire something, I freeze and contract, especially in my heart and root chakras. I also feel the energetics of leaning in with a vulture-like agenda when I want something from someone else and how the same walls go up immediately if that need is denied.
Can meeting needs be smoother and create more intimacy rather than distancing 2 people? I have set the intention to be really conscious of this interaction and take notes every day for a month.
Leading up to this intention several situations set off my awareness of this obstruction to more intimate relationships. The first was noticing how males (not all but I have felt it commonly and especially in the Latino culture) look at me and feeling their desire to capture my feminine vibrance. When I sense this energetically I immediately put a wall between me and that person. In another moment I noticed when speaking to a woman and realizing she had something I wanted, I became more open, more willing to chat and kinder. This was so fascinating to watch within myself and as this leaning in grew stronger, I felt her begin to pull away. And the third event was when I expressed my need for something to a co-worker and made a request from him and he flatly said no. I felt how my heart instantly had the impulse to close and write him off completely.
I notice the repetition of these 3 patterns daily. So this experiment is a choice to delve deeper into how to navigate these waters of boundaries and needs. To discover how I can respond to others needs with openness and compassion while nourishing and expressing my own needs and boundaries. There will be 3 main challenges in this exploration: not to run away but to just be present with whatever comes up; remembering that I am fully capable of giving generously without draining my energies; and not taking others responses or actions personally.
Please feel free to write here or to me privately about your experiences with this to support both of our processes ;)
Now my exploration is experiencing, without retracting, the energy behind being needy. All humans have necessities and desires. Relationships, in all their many forms, are a platform for this negotiation. I am hopeful that once I become fully conscious of my beliefs and tendencies around this relationship dynamic I will be able to simply get to know people for who they are and enjoy their simple presence.
The day of the meditation when a light was shined on my truth, it came with a lot of judgement. I have often felt guilty because I would like to be more generous but have never felt I could. I realized that the root of this came from feeling like a burden at a young age and thus through unconditional love providing everything I could, even beyond my capacity. This cultivated 2 paradigms: if I love you unconditionally or at all, I have to give without any limits & if you love me unconditionally, an expectation will always be in the background that I have to provide something in return and perhaps things I don’t want to. I have become very conscious that when someone asks me for something directly or I simply sense they need/desire something, I freeze and contract, especially in my heart and root chakras. I also feel the energetics of leaning in with a vulture-like agenda when I want something from someone else and how the same walls go up immediately if that need is denied.
Can meeting needs be smoother and create more intimacy rather than distancing 2 people? I have set the intention to be really conscious of this interaction and take notes every day for a month.
Leading up to this intention several situations set off my awareness of this obstruction to more intimate relationships. The first was noticing how males (not all but I have felt it commonly and especially in the Latino culture) look at me and feeling their desire to capture my feminine vibrance. When I sense this energetically I immediately put a wall between me and that person. In another moment I noticed when speaking to a woman and realizing she had something I wanted, I became more open, more willing to chat and kinder. This was so fascinating to watch within myself and as this leaning in grew stronger, I felt her begin to pull away. And the third event was when I expressed my need for something to a co-worker and made a request from him and he flatly said no. I felt how my heart instantly had the impulse to close and write him off completely.
I notice the repetition of these 3 patterns daily. So this experiment is a choice to delve deeper into how to navigate these waters of boundaries and needs. To discover how I can respond to others needs with openness and compassion while nourishing and expressing my own needs and boundaries. There will be 3 main challenges in this exploration: not to run away but to just be present with whatever comes up; remembering that I am fully capable of giving generously without draining my energies; and not taking others responses or actions personally.
Please feel free to write here or to me privately about your experiences with this to support both of our processes ;)
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