​I struggled with yeast infections from the time I was 7 years old.  I remember when my mom put that cold cream on my vulva.  It always made me feel like I had to pee but I wasn’t supposed to because then I’d wipe the cream off.  When I became sexually active as a teenager, they got much worse and appeared more frequently.  Into my 20’s I tried everything under the sun – changing my diet, wearing white cotton underwear, changing to a milder soap, putting garlic cloves or yogurt or probiotic capsules in my vagina, washing my underwear by hand, taking oral probiotics, using condoms during sex…or not.  The exasperation was overwhelming.  The red itchy sensations and sticky white discharge were mild compared to my agitation and questioning if I’d ever be able to have sex without worrying I’d get an infection within a few days and then have to abstain for weeks from this particular kind of pleasure.  I had a sense that the root was energetic.  So, I began seeing energy workers and doing ovarian breathwork to move whatever was stuck…still hung up on needing to fix this awful problem.  Once a holistic gynecologist did a test and told me I had no energy flowing to my gentials!  WTF…I am a very erotic being!  What is blocking me from sexual freedom and a free flow of erotic energy through my whole body?  So I tried a Chinese Medicine herbal wash and pelvic steaming, which helped me manage the symptoms but did not prevent infections…so I made peace with the belief that I’d live the rest of my life with this issue.
Finally, from a place of surrender I’ve never felt before, something slackened.  A shift in will occurred that seemed subtle in the moment but whose reverberating results I couldn’t possibly have prepared for.  I stopped making decisions based on traditional or common knowledge and am open on a cellular level to receive guidance.  Even though I’d been talking about listening to the body and what it authentically desires and noticing the results of decisions you make around diet, exercise, etc, it had remained primarily in the realm of theory until I actually let go.  I began communicating with guidance – angels, archangels, microbes, masters, ascendant masters, cellular fairies, goddesses… offering gratitude and humbly asking for clarity and discernment.  Until then I still wanted to hold onto control.  I didn’t want my life to be too messy or complicated, which was a hilarious contradiction to choosing a Tantric path! Once I began to attune to the subtler cues of what my whole being is actually resonating with right now – food, movement, people, places, etc. – I could feel a difference in the tone of everything.  Certain things resonate with the tone of what I need at this moment and others don’t.  Some things that resonate right now will not in 2 hours or maybe ever again…it is indeed a surrender to be with what is exactly as it is right now.   
And, this is erotic self love...an approach to life where I listen to the erotic energy in my system (now including an innumerable amount of etheric beings combined with a kinesthetic sense of tones) and how it responds to the myriad of possibilities of how to explore this experience of being human.  The more I cultivate the willingness to meet what is right now, the more love and life force energy flow...including my field in the pathways receptive to dance with divine currents.

Listening to the cues right now, I am choosing to devote February to cultivating a completely new relationship with my yonih through touch, adoration and attentiveness.      

Contact Improvisation Dance has again and again offered me an experiential cauldron to embody new pathways.  As movement patterns are a reflection of neural pathways, moving in unique, spontaneous and even chaotic forms shifts habitual ways of being in daily life. Some of the most fundamental understandings of how to dance intimately with life in a state of open-hearted surrender have been transmitted through CI and include:
I can lead and I can follow.  And, there’s a third option – the juiciest dances emerge…formless and form seamlessly flowing from cellular consciousness.
I have a right to have intimate connection with everyone, not exclusively with romantic partners.  This was radical for me early on but I leaned in because something deep in me recognized how intimacy with divine love demonstrates no boundaries of presence and love.
Repeatedly returning to presence in the body offers spaciousness and ease in the mind.
Attention to the minutia – slowing down and practicing small, simple movements with full bodied presence opens an entire realm of possibilities when you release practice and allow free form.  This is what we refer to in Tantra as Tapas and Spanda…you devote yourself to a specific practice or “restriction” for a certain period of time and by keeping out what you don’t want and focusing on something very specific, a spark within can occur that liberates energy.
Grazing and lingering – sometimes short interactions offer exactly what you need to create new possibilities and sometimes lingering in a dance provides a platform for curiosity to have full reign.  This reflects what I’ve realized in all kinds of relationships.  Sometimes a short engagement is enough to reframe a paradigm and sometimes we need to stay with a person for an extended period because the dynamic offers a prolonged experiment and growth for both.
Be with what is – CI is one of the only communities I’ve found where showing up authentically is held differently than normal social interactions.  If you need to lie on the side and snuggle or simply witness or you feel a primal need to rough house or a tenderness that seeks the slowest touch possible – you can explore whatever is arising because the entire practice is in meeting your partner where they are at this exact moment.
Adaptability and resilience – spontaneity can feel overwhelming in daily life, especially if you grew up like I did where productivity and planning are paramount.  CI offers a way to embody surrender in a safe space.  Surrender in this sense is truly being with what is as it is and having the body-mind capacity to meet that rather than resist it.     

In relationship
In intimacy
In every moment
I choose to be free
 
Accepting what is
In the perceived other and in me
Acknowledges the ever-evolving web
That encompasses all
And possesses nothing
 
Together we dance
To a unique yet resonant rhythm
Stoking desire to experience authentically now
Seeking neither validation nor love
 
Love and freedom cannot exist independently
The commitment is to Love
Which is inherently harmonic
 Needing nothing to emanate its full potency
 
As paths converge and diverge
I honor the devotion to Love
And envelop my beloveds
In a spaciousness beyond understanding
A surrender beyond reason
A love surpassing boundaries of right and wrong

​Tantra is embodied spirituality, which in its nature is ever-changing.  It’s a map to discover authentic expression.  It doesn’t say simply follow your bliss…because what you may sense as pleasurable if your system is off balance may be far out of alignment with your all-encompassing desires. 
Some of the principles we use as a way in to knowing ourselves on all levels and living from union between body and spirit include “Everything is an experiment”, “Tapas & Spanda” and “The healing power of pleasure”. Pleasure in and of itself is ephemeral and the capacity to sense moment to moment authentic desires is supported by the other two, which offer structure to facilitate freedom. 
When I approach everything as an experiment, there’s more play, room for error and curiosity in what I choose to engage with.  As I’m beginning with the premise of I don’t know what the results will be, I'm more attentive and gather the data as I explore. 
Tapas is a word that could mean container/containment or discipline, but I prefer to see it as devotion.  I choose something every month to devote my attention to.  It’s a way to notice how shifting habits pulls on all the threads in my being and presents the opportunity to reorient towards harmony.
In choosing a tapas two things are enormously important: choose something you’re truly curious about and something you honestly believe you can stay with throughout the time your devoting yourself to do the practice when you set your original intention.  From a lot of personal exploration with this I’ve realized that if I flake out and my will fades, my overall confidence in myself, my word and ability to remain true to what I authentically want to experience when confronted with temptations diminishes as well.  And, I also know that dependably engaging in what I said I would offers me a loving space that I cherish where I can truly drop into what I desire with no excuses about life being too busy or caving into habits that feel easier or more comfortable.
A couple months ago I devoted myself to do ovarian breathwork six days a week.  I didn’t realize how much I’d be challenged to remain faithful to this commitment.  I had to get up very early before classes and on days I was traveling a lot.  Through my devotion, I dropped deeply into sensing the paradox of how the ovary embodies beingness like nothing else in our anatomy and yet is simultaneously the seat of creative energy in the feminine body.  The relationship between two things that I believed were mutually exclusive transformed as I sat every day with how non-doing opens the portal to connect with the emanation from which all creation emerges.  
This concept is also related to how Tapas sparks Spanda, which may fortify your resolve to choose and stay with a Tapas. Spanda could be translated as spontaneity or play…it’s the free flow of movement that happens when your conditioned patterns surrender to what is right now.  It’s scary to a lot of people because it could invite you to behave in ways that don’t coincide with who you believe you are.  The interplay of Tapas and Spanda is creating a container that provides conditions to interrupt patterns you suspect may be interfering with unbound joy.   
Tantra is one of very few spiritual traditions that leave nothing outside the circle of "ok to experience".  This is one reason why people often have a misconception that Tantrikas are extremists or that Tantra is all about sex.  They sit on top of graves, engage in practices that take them to the edges of human consciousness and explore sensuality and sexuality in ways most can barely fathom.   There is no scripture saying follow these steps or this set of values.  The possibilities are infinite, which is attractive to some and terrifying to others. 
My personal experience of Tantra has offered me proposals of how to explore the layers of who I am from many different angles and allow the spiritual and mundane to express their truly interwoven (not separate) nature.  This is extremely helpful for anyone who is uncertain if their desires and decisions are truly emerging from an authentic source or if they’re surging from dissonant parts. 
The dynamic practices I invite people into when I’m facilitating Tantric events are based on these 3 main principles.  Erotic energy is life force energy in its most potent form.  Exploring erotic energy within a safe container may spark new pathways that invite flow where stagnation has resided.  And there is absolutely a strong belief in Tantra that experiencing pleasure simply to experience pleasure is a big part of where healing happens…no agendas or objectives.

Pause and notice
is your heart armoring against some anticipated attack?
is your pelvic floor bracing in expectation of discomfort?
are your legs primed to move at an instant closer to your goals?
is your jaw clenched under the weight of held authenticity?
 
My pendulum swings only as far towards activity as rest
My cells expand only into the spaciousness of the contraction
 
Pause and feel
the rhythmic movement of the heart
the suppleness of the pelvis blossoming into arousal
                                                                                    the fluidity of spontaneous receptivity to life
                                                                                    the relief of open expression